Okay, it's no secret that I am Mormon and it's no secret that I'm gay. I've also made mention that I tried to play it straight. Trying to be straight, means having to have a few girlfriends or in the very attempting to get a girlfriend. To this end, I made friends with a lady who at the time was pretty close to my age. I'm guessing somewhere along the lines of 29 or maybe even younger at the time. Anyway, we ended up having a conversation via facebook yesterday. What follows are my thoughts on that conversation.
It all seems like some past life memory; those years of trying to fit into shoes that were never going to fit. I'm talking about the years that I spent attempting to be a good Mormon guy. I didn't serve a mission so that was a strike against me, but I had and still do have a big heart. Needless to say, I also didn't feel that I could be honest about my reasons for not serving a mission. Can you imagine the reaction that a sweet LDS lady would have when she heard that "I didn't serve a mission because I masturbate and also because well, I'm gay."? Two secrets that at the time, I didn't want to tell anyone especially not a young lady. I'm pretty sure they would have turned white with fright and then ran away. You aren't going to see this subject a super lot on the blog so I hope you'll learn something about me from this.
As I've already said, this all started with a friend sending me a private message on facebook. If I had played my cards in just the right way back then, she might have even considered marrying me. In fact, I think that was her intentions. I personally am glad that she didn't marry me or for that matter apply any pressure to do so. Somehow, we got on to the subject of my ex-fiancée. Yes, I was engaged very briefly. I had found her on facebook but didn't make any attempt to contact her. Don't want anything rekindling in her heart. Now my friend wanted to know why I never took any steps to ask her to be my wife.
I suppose the real question is why didn't I continue on the straight guy path? After my engagement went south, I got smart. I had known for years that I was attracted to guys but I never made any attempts to really step out of the closet. With my ex callings things quits, I took that opportunity to quit looking for someone to marry. Instead of searching, I focused on me. Without the worries of trying to find a girlfriend and a wife, I developed my hobbies, my collection of pets increased, and I also worked on my writing not to mention I also met a few guys. I couldn't have met them when I was trying to fool myself and the world. Sadly, I wasted 15 years of my life trying to be straight.
I told her that I no longer wanted to find a wife. She didn't take that very well. In fact, I think she got upset with me. How should I react to that? Why don't I want a wife? Well, you know those 15 wasted years of mine. They were spent trying to be something I'm not. Simply put, I gave up. With a collection of around 24 species of tarantula and over 30 animals, I don't know very many women who would appreciate them in their house. It's even a little bit hard to get some guys to accept them. I don't know, I've been single for so long that it would be hard to share my bed. I'm use to being able to spend my money however I want. I'm use to doing what I want or having whatever hobbies I want. Sure, I get lonely and bored but I suppose even married straight couples get like that occasionally. She also asked me about kids.
She came out and asked if I want kids. Well, my answer to that was yes, maybe. I would love to have a little Charlie running around. Problem is, I can't afford to adopt and I don't have my own place. My job doesn't pay enough. I don't' feel that my life right now is a life that a child needs to be in. Not to mention the fact, that I'm use to being alone. Having a kid would be nice and all, but I again I couldn't have the animals that I do if I had kids. She said accused me of being selfish. Who knows, maybe I am being selfish. I don't know. Anyway, this needs to get posted. Catch you later!
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