I was on youtube watching and listening to one of my favorite youtubes talk about their suicide attempt, and it got it reminded me of something. I have shared this once or twice before in my blog, but I thought I would share it again. If you have been reading my blog for any extended period of time, then you know that I love nature. It was either June or July and the sky was bright blue, birds were singing, and the wild blue flag iris was in bloom. I was sitting on our front porch feeling a little down and attempting to remedy that gloom with some sunshine. Out of nowhere, I remember looking down at those pretty blue flowers and thinking that could kill me. I was in my twenties and not really liking the future that I saw in front of me. I was not out to anyone at this point, and the pressure that had been building over the years was getting to me. I guess the bottom line is that I knew I was gay, but I was still fighting it a little bit. Anyway, I knew that if I ate one of those flowers it would kill me. I knew it would attack my liver and that would be that. I didn't know how pain that I would be in or if anyone would miss me. Right about that time something else hit me and hit me hard, I didn't know how much pain I would be and being a bit of a chicken I didn't want to go through that, and then something else happened. I realized that I did have friends who loved me and even if they didn't know or might reject me for being gay, I have a family who loves me. More importantly, I had a future to live for and that pulled me back. Life is still hard, but life has got better. In fact from the moment that I told my first person life became better. I still have days when I'm down and I still cry over things, but overall life is better and it better every day even at my age.
If you need someone to talk too please call the Trevor Project, it's toll free and believe me, the person who talks to you does care:
Trevor Lifeline (866-488-7386)
You can call day or night 24 / 7. Please if you need to talk to someone call them.