Shadow Void

Latter-Day tears

I don't know why I read that book. It always makes me cry. I don't know if any of you have read it or seen the movie, but to me it's powerful. It's sort of how I envision things. I feel very much like Aaron at the towards the end of the movie. The part where his mom and him exchange words in the kitchen. Yeah...that is how I see my family reacting. Yeah...my older brother took things pretty well, but even he has his limits I think. I don't know how other people do it. How other people seemingly just step away and go on with their life. I guess, my situation doesn't help much. Right now, I am holding back tears because I don't want to moisten my keyboard. I'm thinking of throwing the book away. Right now, a small part of me is even asking myself, why I allowed myself to...to admit who I was. Oh....don't get me wrong, I don't plan on digging myself back into the closet. For a person in my situation, maybe the blog was a bad idea. Maybe it puts too much of me out here. What makes me even more afraid is that if and I hate to think about this because it just gets me down, is that I won't allow myself to be with anyone. I want to but a part will fight it. A part of me will tear and that is what I'm afraid. I'm afraid of losing me so far there has always been a safety valve around to hold back the flood. Right now, I don't have a safety valve expect for the you and my writing. I hate to think what life would be like if I didn't have this to right things out. In a way, it makes things better. I can vent and cry out my heart. I'm at a point where I can feel myself tearing away from my past. I can feel stares at church and maybe I'm wrong. I know my testinmony isn't as strong as it use to be and it's affecting how active I am at church. For awhile, I was missing on average 1 Sunday each month. On the Sundays that I did attend, I wasn't attending my meetings expect for the sacrament. There was always a friend who I could talk too or cub scout stuff that I could work on without interrupting anyone or being rude to the teacher. I'm okay, it's just a small case of depression. Yeah, I admit it, that plague has a hold of me. I'll be okay! Michael, Jeremiah, and Gus if you're out there and you read this thanks for helping to make me strong. Anyway, I'm going to go! I'll catch everyone tomorrow after this has passed.

A Small Update

I did a post on July 13, 2006.  In that post, I described the two main characters.  I also gave a real brief table of content.  Since that time, I have finished chapter one.  Both points of view have been written, and in case, I didn't mention it, each chapter is written twice.  It's written from Jason's point of view and then from Shaun's point of view.  Chapter two is already started.  I am pleased to announce that Jason's post is finished and that Shaun's post is about half way done. Give me a couple days and I will try to post a brief chapter synposis for each chapter.  Things would go quicker if I actually spent at least a week on each chapter.  Sadly, I tend to do it when I have time and I'm not occupied on other things.  With the nature of the material, I tend to not work on it when my nephews are around.  Why?  Well, I don't think they are ready.