Shadow Void

Hiding From It

The pain is constant though no one can see it. The agony never dulls; never fades. The wounds lay open never healing. Always, they fester. Words seem to open them wider and wider till, the crimson sea covers me; bathes my mind. My thoughts, my words sometimes are born under this wash of pain. Use to dream that I could be free from it. Use to hope for a touch that would lift it off my shoulders. I pleaded, that it removed, that I saved from this apparition. Kept it locked behind the doors of my vault; a safe so secure and deep that I hoped it would never see light. The darkness was everywhere. Depression dropped me to my knees most every night. Tears ran down my face until the day; until the time that I rescued from the pain and decided to stop hiding from it.

 

Someone Asked…

A discussion at work brought up my book "Blake's Saga". Of course, the conversation was with a teacher. She asked me what the book was about and I sat there stumbling over my words. Why couldn't I get the words "gay" out of my mouth? I told her that the book was about a kid who got kicked of his home and ends up in another state, where he ends up living on the streets, and a cop and his partner ended up adopting him. She was sort of quiet. She asked me under what name the book was written, where it can be bought, and what format. What bothers me is that I was nervous to talk about the child of my creativity. I think because in having that conversation, I also had to potentially out myself at work. Not sure it's a good idea to be even slightly out at work. A part of me is afraid of being a "Blake" myself. I'm not sure it would bother me to be talked about because I'm pretty sure that I'm already talked about. What concerns me, and I've already talked about this in an earlier blog post, is the ramifications that this conversation might have on me or my job.

Don’t Know Where I am

The two days and even today for that matter have extremely rough for this thing that I call writing. I've don't feel very productive. I managed to come up with a 5 pages of outline, but I wasn't happy with it, so it's gone. In it's place is a start of a new outline that is being typed up with instead of being written up. My mind just has not been with it. I've not been focusing very well lately. Not because I'm sick or that there is something wrong with me mentally. I'm having one those weeks I guess. Anyway, I need to make this quick. To all blog buddies out there, I hope you're doing okay. Rick, it's been awhile since I've seen you on your blog hope all is well in your household. The day is running out on me and I need to get going, but I hope everyone is warm. We are under a freeze warning yet again.

 

Random Rolled Question

What is your astrological sign?

I'm a cancer.

Understand You

See you sitting by yourself, many people walk by not seeing you for who you are inside but I can see everything because I've been there before.

Seems like yesterday when I could not see my way out of that dark pit. It's on your face, that expression of hopelessness that I use to wear.

Found my strength now I'm walking in light wish that I could send some your way. Want to lift those clouds away from your eyes so you can see the world in color.

Come on walk and talk with me, lets get the fog melted away from your life. You have to be ready to leave those dark days in the past.

Aren't you going to step out of this hole that surrounds you? Want to let the sun beat down on your shoulders. Yeah I see your shadow walking away and I see you rising again.

Forgot this

Hearts, chocolates, and candies galore dot the landscape in every store. Special dinners for lovers offerings from restaurants on of of the sweetest days on the calendar. Sometimes it seems that businesses smile when February 14 rolls around. Some may say that this day is made for people who are in love and maybe they are right. I'm choosing to reach inside of me and pull out one trait that needs refined with a hammer and with a flame. I'll fix that flaw then put it away and grab another one. I maybe alone in this big crazy world with no one to truly call my valentine but at least I am free to fill in with gold all the rough spots that I carry around on me. My sharp edges get filed down till all that is left is improvement. Being single is not a reason to hate on Valentines.

Head and Heart

My head and tells me that you're perfect for me. My eyes see it when I look at you. My ears hear it when they hear your voice. My skin feels it when we touch, but my heart is still lingering with someone else.

I want you! I can almost see us together but my heart isn't overt the other guy so I'm not sure where to go because I know that my head says "I love everything about him." My heart just isn't tugging in your direction. Can't expect you to give anymore.

Need to erase the name that is driving me crazy. I want you to be the only guy to reside in my heart. Maybe it's still early for me to give all myself to just one person, but I can't see my first because my mind won't allow my hand to dial him up so here I sit.

Sitting in a darkened room before I sleep trying to wrestle with my heart, think my struggle is wearing it down cause finally there are tears. Feelings are starting to move closer to you now.

Want to stand beside you, want to look at you and feel you with both my heart and my head. I just want you to be the guy that I sleep with forever but that won't happen till this stubborn heart gives in.

Baby, I want to give into you but here I sit because my heart is still being lame. No matter what I do, he won't let go but my mind still wants you and what you give, so come here and let's try again.

To knock him out of my heart, you'll need to soften me up a little bit more. One more touch and I can see that my heart is finally listening to you. I'm going to take, every ounce of you.

My body craves you. It loves what you do to it. My needs you because you raise it up and make it crazy. Now my heart wants you, no needs you because complete what use to be one sided. My mind, my heart both want you here right now.

 

 

Failed

Baby, I failed you and for that I'm sorry. It's my fault that you're gone and not coming back. Just didn't expect you to walk out and leave me standing out in the dark.

I'll be your light if you just come back. Promise to hold you every night till the sun comes up again.

These tears are real that I'm shedding as I stand at the door with my eyes watching your car as it pulls away. I turn my away from the headlights glare so you don't catch sight of my tears.

I'll be your light if you come back. Promise to hold you every night till the sun comes up again.

All these walls, they trap me in with my memories, that all I have to keep you inside of me. Maybe someday you'll forgive me and come back.

All I can do is hope that you'll see the light and come back to me.

He Looks…

He looks in the mirror and sees a 32 year old guy staring back at him but on the other side of the mirror, there stands a 13 year old boy, whose parents are divorcing and all that he can is….

 

It's my fault that things are like they are, why does heaven hate me? I want things back like they used to be before I hated me.

 

Looked at a friend and wondered why he never noticed me. Now I have a name for this feeling that is coursing through my body, and it's called gay, and I just want to know…

 

Why does heaven hate me? I want things back like they used to be, before I had these feelings running in me, coursing in me.

 

This is what happens when you think trust and love is enough to protect you from hate. You end up friendless and alone with no room to breathe and all I can think of is...

Is it's my fault that things are like they are, why does heaven hate me? I want things like they used to be before I hated me.

 

One day, he wakes up and walks out the door. Something is fresh and new. He has something to keep him going now and…

 

Now he knows that heaven loves him. The world doesn't need him to carry it's weight. All his pain and the past has now become his prose, his fame.

Pushing Ahead

My creative side is always pushing ideas through my mind. While I love my characters, it can be a struggle to keep them fresh. Currently, I've started working on chapter 16 of Jason and Shaun. In this chapter readers will see Shaun graduate, a personal friend will become ill, and a revelation about another member of Shaun's family will be revealed. After this set of six chapters, I will begin work on This Is Seth.

In other news, I'm having a rough time with my werewolf story. I can get one page front and back written but that isn't enough for a chapter. I love the idea of having something different to work on when I need something other than my gay romances. Maybe I'm not going to do much it. Adam, my wolf could make for an interesting character. He's angry, he's smart. On the other hand, I really miss my vampires so maybe I'll plot out Lucian again and maybe change things up a bit. Or perhaps Adam needs a rewrite. I don't know.

I just thought I'd share where I'm at so far.