Shadow Void

20 Years From Now

Okay, so this a second reply of sorts to another article that I did a couple weeks ago. It's a reply back to Siouxguy67. I hope this adds to the reply that I already made. This entry will look at the same areas that I covered in the last post, but it's written for the future. With that I'm going to jump into this entry.

So what do I hope to achieve in the area of my career? There really isn't room for growth upwards unless I go back for my teaching degree with emphasis in special education. In some ways, I am hoping that I'm out of the field by the time I am 58. If not it's not really a big deal. I love the job even though it's not the easiest job in the world. As I've said before, I won't get rich from this job. Luckily for me there are plenty of other rewards to be gained. This job drains you physically and emotionally at times. I know that I can handle the emotional side of it but at times I question my ability to handle the job on the physical end of things. Would I do instead? I really do not know. I love would love to follow my heart and work with animals in educating people about the world around them before it grows to late.

Romance, hmmm....I don't want this to become a "I am sooo sad since I don't have a man" paragraph. I've been single for a large part of life. You know as long as I have good friends, being single a little while longer wouldn't be so bad. Would I like to have a relationship? Hell yeah, he just has to be comfortable with me and my hobbies.

What about coming out? My goal to come out to my parents. If that doesn't happen, then I just want to be comfortable in my own skin. My niece told me that my neighbor knows about me which is sort of cool and sort of scary. I'd like to be out at work but not if it is going to cause me headaches on the job. At this point, I've told me friends and my older brother's family. I've got a good sized safety net of sorts.

When it comes to my writing, I wold love for someone to see themselves in it somewhere. I don't consider myself to be the best writer in the world and yet, I've been told that some people really like my work. Don't why but my story the "The Mirror" seems to have a small following. I love to create pieces around titles. I love to just take an idea and run with it. You know things are good when you start to write or type and the jobs just come out like water upon the page. Well don't know what else to say so I'm going to run.

The Home; Center of Learning

It's true the home is the center of learning. Want your kids behave, to have a morals, to love to read, start early with them or you might just be S.O.L. How you raise your kids can dictate how they learn. What habits you have can impact your child. Your likes, dislikes, and fears can impact your child. Let's not forget how you discipline them. You can also pass off your attitudes to them.

So much of what goes in the home is picked on by our kids. Kids, especially little kids know when something isn't right. They can pick up on mom or dad's emotions. They can learn words and language by simply listening to what's being said around them. If you want your kids to read, then you need to read to them while they are young, and if you do read to them then, there is a good chance that they'll continue to read. Children are sponges capable of picking up on a lot. You just have to work with them. By establishing a love of learning, you are really helping them out in the long run. Keep in mind though, they have free will and may decide that they don't care for learning.

Your habits can impact your kids. Again kids have free will so nothing is totally set in stone but we know that some bad habits are easier to pick up on if your parent's have them. If you smoke around your kids, you be setting the stage for them to smoke. I know a family where both the husband and the wife smokes and it seems as if the kids are always sick with colds. If you drink in front of your kids you could be setting the example. Luckily kids do have a mind of their own and can change the possible future.

Kids are also good for picking up on mom's or dad's likes, dislikes, or fears. They will pick up your food choices. What fears you have and the way you react to them can determine if your child also has that fear. Your reaction to a snake, a spider, or a mouse can impact your kids. What worries me the most are the things that a kid can learn from the parent's. More precisely, I am worried about passing hate to our kids.

When I think of all the things that a child can learn from their parents, the one thing that sickens me the most is hate. It doesn't matter what form the hate takes either. It could be racism, a hate for someone's religion, or homophobia. Like I said, it doesn't matter what you hate. Hating someone and not knowing why is wrong. Let me correct myself, hating is wrong. So my question is, why teach it to your kids? ( I know not everyone teaches their kids. ) It's time we ended the hate.

Kids need to be taught morals, respect, love for themselves, responsibility, honesty, and integrity. I know there are some kids who are being taught to show respect to others, but there are others who aren't. They need to know how to handle conflicts in their own lives. They need to appreciate their belongs and the belongs of others too. They need to know that they are okay. They need to know that you love them without any conditions, PERIOD!

 

 

A Piece That Isn't Named

This is another piece that I was thinking of using for one of the stories. I have to come up with something interesting.

In your walk your head held high, you're acting like you've got something to prove. Too bad for you I already know that you've been skipping out on me. I already know that there is someone else in your life beside me.

Did you honestly think that you could keep this a secret? Did you honestly believe that I wouldn't see the signs in front of me? I'm not blind, I see the way you creep around as you keep me in the dark.

You feed me lies on top of lies and then expect me not to cry. Wish the pain would go away but it's still here, I don't know why. Why do you try to cover up all the filthy things you've done. I guess it's true what everyone said about you.

They said that you were no good that you should leave me feeling dead, and now I'm drained. I don't think you even care what happens next as long you're happy. I could be sad, I could be dead, and you still wouldn't care.

As long as you leave my room fulfilled guess that's all you need me for. I just want you gone so pack bags and walk away. Don't want to hear anymore lies, don't want to hear anymore pleas.

Don't want to deal anymore with your mess, don't want to carry any baggage after you've split. I'll the times when things were good, but I can't recall any at all. Guess, I'll try to leave it behind in the past where it belongs.

Keep on walking, don't look back; don't look back, forget my face, my number, and my email address. Please forget that it's been six months, and let me have my life back. I want to be free to spread my wings.

 

 

L.A. Exploded

It seems like a century since L.A. exploded; race against race and gang against gang. Images of violence and black smoke splashed across the news. Hellish, my word to describe the way L.A. appeared as people went crazy out in the streets. 120 dead, why do we let our hearts get so hard and so fragile. Why do we store our rage under our skin, knowing it might spill out? Chaos spread her menacing wings while Strife unleashed hate and fear upon the citizens of the City of Angels. Buildings burned, kids packed heat, and people prayed for light to shine in the hearts of their members. When the smoke cleared and the violence stopped, did we learn anything? Did we as a nation wake up to the fact that hatred left in our hearts spreads out like a cancer to consume us?

In short, the answer is no. Such a diaster is bound to happen again in our history until we see each person as equal, until we let hate die within us, until we wake up to the fact that we are one race. Until we wake up I fear Chaos, Strife, Fear, and Hate will be well fed. With so many willing to put others to death, we won't be free of the curse. As long as we let demons whisper in our ears then our streets will remain battlegrounds. Our children will continue to be pulled to the anti-families who seem to rule our city streets. Our children are sacrificed to this monster called Gang. They see it as a place where they can find love, but it's little more than an army. They sign up through battle and then pack heat to defend what they think is their home. They're willing to die and willing to lie all in the name of their so called gang. When one little soldier dies another is found to stand in the ranks. It's willing to tell that they belong for life and willing to order his minions to kill.

It gives orders to kill and like sheep they obey. They fail to see any other way to get the acceptance, they need, so they kill. They, the soldiers, listen to whatever lies ring out from the mouths of men who once upon a time where tricked into this family.

This, this menace isn't just from the gang. It springs from our own blindness; our own lack of hearing . If our eyes don't see the problems before us then maybe, they don't exsist. If our ears don't their cries for help then we can sit back and stay in our safety zone. Our fears, our own evils mingle in our hearts and wear us down till nothing else will fit inside of us. Our anger works in that same way. Our anger builds and fills us up like a balloon. If we don't let it out, if we don't vent them then it builds until it can't take in any more ire. At some point, we'll get full of anger and then we'll burst. When we explode, it may be at someone innocent of any crimes against us.

Now imagine; a city, a nation, filled with ire. What happens when we cannot move anger away, it builds, it fills, and then it explodes. Explosions that rock us whose shockwaves spread out touching all in the path. It moves us, it rocks us, until we too are filled by emotions, that will send us to our doom. We get caught up in the web weaved by the emotions and whispers that surround us.

 

Blood Test Results

Okay, everything was fine expect for my thyroid. My doctor has me on a med for it. Just thought, I would give you a quick update.

20 Years Almost

In 2010, it will be twenty years since I've graduated high school. It also marks 15 years since I graduated from college. It's been almost 10 years since I first came out to anyone besides myself. When I think back over the years since I've been out of high school, I realize just how much has changed in my life . At the same time, I realize just how much is left to do.

 

I have to admit that my life has been pretty dam amazing since leaving high school for the most part. I've been able to defy my high school guidance counselor and went on to attend college. In 1995, I graduated from college. A few months later I got my first job which lead me to my current job. In 1999, I was engaged and on the verge of being a married gay man. In 2000, I came out for the first time to my brother, sister in law, a co-worker, and my three best friends from college. Since then, I've been an uncle to nephews, nieces, and great nephews. I have also accomplished much.

 

I think in some ways, the biggest achievements are really dwarfed when compared to the smaller achievements that I've made. College saw my love of writing take off. I faced obstacles in my education and made a win over my learning disability which for a long time was troubling for me. My goal to help people understand the world around them has come somewhat been achieved. My job isn't glamorous and the pay sort of sucks but I'm working. I also get to help make a difference in the lives of the students in my life. While I do not own a zoo, I do maintain a fairly nice collection of invertebrates. Guys, I am going to close this up. Thanks for being there and helping me along my journey.

Outward Appearances

 

 

It always amazing to me how much we judge others by their outward appearances. Someone who is slender or toned seem to be preferred over someone who is thin or obese. We tend to shy away from people who physically or mentally handicapped. People who are dressed in last year's styles may not be looked at in the same way. Within the first ten minutes of meeting someone we can usually stamp them with a label right on their forehead. Labels can be tricky thing to remove.

 

( Sorry for the weird look of the text in the above paragraph. I'm not sure what happened. and now back to our post )

Labels can be painful for the person who wears them. Honestly, I think labeling is downright stupid. It's funny how we even label someone without even talking to them. We glance, stamp, and then react. As if that isn't bad enough, we go out of way to tell others about the label that we've just placed on someone, so then they are walking around with that person's label on their mind as well as a snapshot of their face. It would be nice if we could just leave it a label, but that never happens. All too often we tease or shun a labeled person. It does the person wearing the label absolutely no good.

 

A labeled person is often ignored, teased, or worse. The label tends to stick around for years. In my case, I was labeled a wimp by my sister's first husband. You know that idiot still thinks I'm a wimp that's okay, because if he had to mess with my critters I'm pretty sure he would freak. So umm...yeah okay, back to post. Labels can erode a person's self esteem. As a country, as a race, we need to stop stamping people. We need to remember what it feels like to wear a label.

 

We, the human race, are horrid when it comes to labeling. We use labels like geek, queer, slow, bookworm, wimp, dumb and the list can go on and on. We need to stop labeling people. We need to really consider looking at a person's good sides and label them that way. Maybe that person that you've labeled "geek" might just the be the way you pass a class. The "queer" could be the best friend that you've ever had. The person that's slow might have one of largest hearts. The bookworm might have all the answers. The wimp might make up for his weakness in other ways. Someone who isn't as sharp in one subject is almost guarrentued to have one area that he or she excels in. One of our biggest flaws is the way we put people down. We allow someone's outward appearance to control our thoughts of someone.

 

So you've read the post and know I want you to go back and look at the pictures and tell me the first thing to comes to your mind when you look at the people in the pictures. I suspect your impressions will be different. Now remember you have to base this on only their outward appearance. So leave your impressions in the comments and I'll talk to you later!

 

 

 

65 Things

1.First thing you wash in the shower? my chest 2. What color is your favorite hoodie? navy blue 3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? yes, my little great nephew 4. Do you plan outfits every day? Sometimes I do but usually not 5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? Lazy. 6. What’s the closest thing to you that's red? My fleece throw 7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? Getting bit by a spider ( no not one of my tarantulas ) I woke up with a bit of fright. I could feel the pain from it in the dream. 8. Did you meet anybody new today? No 9. What are you craving right now? Someone 10. Do you floss? I try for every day but it doesn't always happen. 11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? The smell from it being boiled 12. Are you emotional? Sometimes 13. Have you ever counted to 1,000? no 14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? I tend to bite it 15. Do you like your hair? I like it short 16. Do you like yourself? On some days 17. Would you go out to eat with George Bush? No I wouldn't 18. What are you listening to right now? someone is talking in the room next door 19. Are your parents strict? they weren't strict, but they liked to know where I was 20. Would you go sky diving? No 21. Do you like cottage cheese? Heck NO 22. Have you ever met a celebrity? nope 23. Do you rent movies often? Nope sorry 24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in? No 25. How many countries have you visited? Sadly only 1, that great land to the North 26. Have you made a prank phone call? When I was in high school 27. Ever been on a train? Yes love them, but I don’t have to commute on them regularly! 28. Brown or white eggs? both 29. Do you have a cell-phone? No 30. Do you use chap stick? rarely 31. Do you own a gun? A 22 rifle that my dad keeps 32. Can you use chop sticks? No 33. Who are you going to be with tonight? Don't know 34. Are you too forgiving? Not sure, but it does take a little time to get over it 35. Ever been in love? yes 36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow? I don’t know. 37. Ever have cream puffs? yes 38. Last time you cried? Ummmm....I think it was in the process of creating one of the chapters for my stories. I guess, I got a little bit too far into it. 39. What was the last question you asked? Sorry it had to with what's been going on at work. 40. Favorite time of the year? Spring and Summer 41. Do you have any tattoos? No 42. Are you sarcastic? I can be 43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? No 44. Ever walked into a wall? yeah maybe once 45. Favorite color? black 46. Have you ever slapped someone? have I ? 47. Is your hair curly? not usually but if it gets long it will curl in the back 48. What was the last CD you bought? Celtic Thunder 49. Do looks matter? To a certain extent yes 50. Could you ever forgive a cheater? yes maybe, depends 51. Is your phone bill sky high? nope 52. Do you like your life right now? It has it's moments 53. Do you sleep with the TV on? no 54. Can you handle the truth? yes, I may not like it and may need to spend time thinking about it but in the end it's okay 55. Do you have good vision? I have decent vision 56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? I do have people that I dislike 57. How often do you talk on the phone? some days more than others 58. The last person you held hands with? Umm...my great nephew as we walked back to my brother's house. 59. What are you wearing? tan khakis and a white turtle neck 60.What is your favorite animal? I don't have a favorite but I am partial to my tarantulas 61. Where was your default picture taken at? not sure 62. Can you hula hoop? A little bit 63. Do you have a job? yes. but i wish i could change jobs. I’m looking. 64. What was the most recent thing you bought? the Xbox 360 and the games 65. Have you ever crawled through a window? Yes, normally because I've forgotten my keys

The Week So Far;

World of Warcraft is taking up way too much time. I have actually cut back playing so I can spend time on the important stuff like my typing. I don't have very many readers of my blog or my stories. I want to dedicate more time to creating new posts for the blog and better story ideas. I promise you that will be more stuff coming soon.

 

Sunday, I stayed home from church. I go through periods where my teeth hurt me and this causes migraines. Stress also sometimes causes me to get headaches. Migraines tend to knock me way down. Part of it might be my sub-conscious creating these headaches so that I don't go to church. Is that even possible? I also was having some slight ear aches added to the mix. I am really feeling torn right now. On one hand, I love my calling at church and I love some of the people there. I find it hard to love someone that I don't know, and being a little shy I have a hard time approaching people. Think I talked about that in my last post. I don't it might just be me but I don't always feel that I would missed if I stopped going. Sure there are people who would miss me, but my reason for going is for me and for the people that I serve via my calling. At any rate, life is what it is.

 

Nothing really happened on Monday, but Tuesday was an interesting day. At work, we did a field trip to local apple orchard. Sorry no pics! I don't' want to chance breaking confidentiality. They not only raise apples but they also raise pumpkins. Our kids didn't get any apples, but they get their own pumpkin. For the youth group at church (8-10) year olds, we did a trip to Cabella's. Honestly even I was impressed. We got to see them feed their fish in this massive tank. Which was cool because at one point you could hear the fish snapping up the dead minnows. But between work and my church duties, I went shopping with my niece and the cutest baby in the world, my great nephew. I bought an Xbox 360 and 4 games for it.

 

Wednesday was a crazy day at work. I knew the night before that the teacher wasn't going to be there. What I didn't know is that the other aide was also going to be absent. Oh...and then our part time aide who comes in during the afternoon also did not make it in to work. Now it is one thing for the teacher not to be as long as the other aides are there. Its one thing for the one of the other aides to be absent as long as the teacher is there. It is never ever going to be okay for both of them to be honest at the same time. Honestly, I came home and took an aspirin.

Thursday was just as bad!

One phase describes today. "T.G.I.F." I mean every last word of it. A lot of went on I can't discuss here but trust me it was a VERY rough week.

Some Thoughts About Guys

In the event that you haven't noticed there are some really cute guys out there. They weird me out a little. It could be my natural shyness but unless they are digitized, I can't look them in the eyes. Maybe it's a fear of being bashed, but I can't approach them. I definitely can't talk to them. It's weird but there is a huge difference around guys who average or around guys who are good friends (well sort of). Some of it has to do with my crazy fear of being discovered. You could look at this two ways. There is that fear just below my skin that they'll find out about me and spread rumors or become hostile. Now, I have three different examples of how I've dealt with cute guys in my life.

 

I've already said that I have a hard time around guys that I think are cute. Well, here are several examples of exactly what I'm talking about. The first guy is from my past. He was in the area when we were in junior high and high school. This guy caused a huge crush to develop in my heart. I was shy to a certain extent and when it came to him I was overly apologetic. Weird huh? The other guy is at church. He is also super handsome. Problem though, he is married even if he wasn't married and for the sake of this argument let's just keep him straight, he would still be off limits. He acts like I don't exist. Again, my shyness plays a major role in this. He seems to know that I'm gay, and he acts repulsed. Which is fine, it's sort of what I expect from people at church. The other is my neighbor who has the spiders. I have or have had a difficult time even going up to the house. Weird spin on this one but I post a little later about it. Guys can be weird you know that?

 

I don't' get guys sometimes. Are we all hard wired for sex? Some guys seem to thrive on it both in getting it and in thinking about it. It seems to be on their mind 24/7. They are constantly on the prowl. Some guys can be pretty vocal about who they like and what they like. Granted, I can fall in that category at times as well. I just hate listening to a straight guy go about their girlfriends or what they would like to do with some passing lady. It bugs me a little bit. I think it's because, I'm not getting anything that is neither here nor there. Just trying to make sense of bits of it.