Shadow Void

Check this out!

http://shadowvoid.typepad.com/my_weblog/2009/11/i-want-you-to-see-this.html

I want you to see this

I Had A Conversation

Okay, it's no secret that I am Mormon and it's no secret that I'm gay. I've also made mention that I tried to play it straight. Trying to be straight, means having to have a few girlfriends or in the very attempting to get a girlfriend. To this end, I made friends with a lady who at the time was pretty close to my age. I'm guessing somewhere along the lines of 29 or maybe even younger at the time. Anyway, we ended up having a conversation via facebook yesterday. What follows are my thoughts on that conversation.

    It all seems like some past life memory; those years of trying to fit into shoes that were never going to fit. I'm talking about the years that I spent attempting to be a good Mormon guy. I didn't serve a mission so that was a strike against me, but I had and still do have a big heart. Needless to say, I also didn't feel that I could be honest about my reasons for not serving a mission. Can you imagine the reaction that a sweet LDS lady would have when she heard that "I didn't serve a mission because I masturbate and also because well, I'm gay."? Two secrets that at the time, I didn't want to tell anyone especially not a young lady. I'm pretty sure they would have turned white with fright and then ran away. You aren't going to see this subject a super lot on the blog so I hope you'll learn something about me from this.

    As I've already said, this all started with a friend sending me a private message on facebook. If I had played my cards in just the right way back then, she might have even considered marrying me. In fact, I think that was her intentions. I personally am glad that she didn't marry me or for that matter apply any pressure to do so. Somehow, we got on to the subject of my ex-fiancée. Yes, I was engaged very briefly. I had found her on facebook but didn't make any attempt to contact her. Don't want anything rekindling in her heart. Now my friend wanted to know why I never took any steps to ask her to be my wife.

 

    I suppose the real question is why didn't I continue on the straight guy path? After my engagement went south, I got smart. I had known for years that I was attracted to guys but I never made any attempts to really step out of the closet. With my ex callings things quits, I took that opportunity to quit looking for someone to marry. Instead of searching, I focused on me. Without the worries of trying to find a girlfriend and a wife, I developed my hobbies, my collection of pets increased, and I also worked on my writing not to mention I also met a few guys. I couldn't have met them when I was trying to fool myself and the world. Sadly, I wasted 15 years of my life trying to be straight.

 

    I told her that I no longer wanted to find a wife. She didn't take that very well. In fact, I think she got upset with me. How should I react to that? Why don't I want a wife? Well, you know those 15 wasted years of mine. They were spent trying to be something I'm not. Simply put, I gave up. With a collection of around 24 species of tarantula and over 30 animals, I don't know very many women who would appreciate them in their house. It's even a little bit hard to get some guys to accept them. I don't know, I've been single for so long that it would be hard to share my bed. I'm use to being able to spend my money however I want. I'm use to doing what I want or having whatever hobbies I want. Sure, I get lonely and bored but I suppose even married straight couples get like that occasionally. She also asked me about kids.

 

    She came out and asked if I want kids. Well, my answer to that was yes, maybe. I would love to have a little Charlie running around. Problem is, I can't afford to adopt and I don't have my own place. My job doesn't pay enough. I don't' feel that my life right now is a life that a child needs to be in. Not to mention the fact, that I'm use to being alone. Having a kid would be nice and all, but I again I couldn't have the animals that I do if I had kids. She said accused me of being selfish. Who knows, maybe I am being selfish. I don't know. Anyway, this needs to get posted. Catch you later!

    

20 Years From Now

Okay, so this a second reply of sorts to another article that I did a couple weeks ago. It's a reply back to Siouxguy67. I hope this adds to the reply that I already made. This entry will look at the same areas that I covered in the last post, but it's written for the future. With that I'm going to jump into this entry.

So what do I hope to achieve in the area of my career? There really isn't room for growth upwards unless I go back for my teaching degree with emphasis in special education. In some ways, I am hoping that I'm out of the field by the time I am 58. If not it's not really a big deal. I love the job even though it's not the easiest job in the world. As I've said before, I won't get rich from this job. Luckily for me there are plenty of other rewards to be gained. This job drains you physically and emotionally at times. I know that I can handle the emotional side of it but at times I question my ability to handle the job on the physical end of things. Would I do instead? I really do not know. I love would love to follow my heart and work with animals in educating people about the world around them before it grows to late.

Romance, hmmm....I don't want this to become a "I am sooo sad since I don't have a man" paragraph. I've been single for a large part of life. You know as long as I have good friends, being single a little while longer wouldn't be so bad. Would I like to have a relationship? Hell yeah, he just has to be comfortable with me and my hobbies.

What about coming out? My goal to come out to my parents. If that doesn't happen, then I just want to be comfortable in my own skin. My niece told me that my neighbor knows about me which is sort of cool and sort of scary. I'd like to be out at work but not if it is going to cause me headaches on the job. At this point, I've told me friends and my older brother's family. I've got a good sized safety net of sorts.

When it comes to my writing, I wold love for someone to see themselves in it somewhere. I don't consider myself to be the best writer in the world and yet, I've been told that some people really like my work. Don't why but my story the "The Mirror" seems to have a small following. I love to create pieces around titles. I love to just take an idea and run with it. You know things are good when you start to write or type and the jobs just come out like water upon the page. Well don't know what else to say so I'm going to run.

Blood Test Results

Okay, everything was fine expect for my thyroid. My doctor has me on a med for it. Just thought, I would give you a quick update.

20 Years Almost

In 2010, it will be twenty years since I've graduated high school. It also marks 15 years since I graduated from college. It's been almost 10 years since I first came out to anyone besides myself. When I think back over the years since I've been out of high school, I realize just how much has changed in my life . At the same time, I realize just how much is left to do.

 

I have to admit that my life has been pretty dam amazing since leaving high school for the most part. I've been able to defy my high school guidance counselor and went on to attend college. In 1995, I graduated from college. A few months later I got my first job which lead me to my current job. In 1999, I was engaged and on the verge of being a married gay man. In 2000, I came out for the first time to my brother, sister in law, a co-worker, and my three best friends from college. Since then, I've been an uncle to nephews, nieces, and great nephews. I have also accomplished much.

 

I think in some ways, the biggest achievements are really dwarfed when compared to the smaller achievements that I've made. College saw my love of writing take off. I faced obstacles in my education and made a win over my learning disability which for a long time was troubling for me. My goal to help people understand the world around them has come somewhat been achieved. My job isn't glamorous and the pay sort of sucks but I'm working. I also get to help make a difference in the lives of the students in my life. While I do not own a zoo, I do maintain a fairly nice collection of invertebrates. Guys, I am going to close this up. Thanks for being there and helping me along my journey.

Outward Appearances

 

 

It always amazing to me how much we judge others by their outward appearances. Someone who is slender or toned seem to be preferred over someone who is thin or obese. We tend to shy away from people who physically or mentally handicapped. People who are dressed in last year's styles may not be looked at in the same way. Within the first ten minutes of meeting someone we can usually stamp them with a label right on their forehead. Labels can be tricky thing to remove.

 

( Sorry for the weird look of the text in the above paragraph. I'm not sure what happened. and now back to our post )

Labels can be painful for the person who wears them. Honestly, I think labeling is downright stupid. It's funny how we even label someone without even talking to them. We glance, stamp, and then react. As if that isn't bad enough, we go out of way to tell others about the label that we've just placed on someone, so then they are walking around with that person's label on their mind as well as a snapshot of their face. It would be nice if we could just leave it a label, but that never happens. All too often we tease or shun a labeled person. It does the person wearing the label absolutely no good.

 

A labeled person is often ignored, teased, or worse. The label tends to stick around for years. In my case, I was labeled a wimp by my sister's first husband. You know that idiot still thinks I'm a wimp that's okay, because if he had to mess with my critters I'm pretty sure he would freak. So umm...yeah okay, back to post. Labels can erode a person's self esteem. As a country, as a race, we need to stop stamping people. We need to remember what it feels like to wear a label.

 

We, the human race, are horrid when it comes to labeling. We use labels like geek, queer, slow, bookworm, wimp, dumb and the list can go on and on. We need to stop labeling people. We need to really consider looking at a person's good sides and label them that way. Maybe that person that you've labeled "geek" might just the be the way you pass a class. The "queer" could be the best friend that you've ever had. The person that's slow might have one of largest hearts. The bookworm might have all the answers. The wimp might make up for his weakness in other ways. Someone who isn't as sharp in one subject is almost guarrentued to have one area that he or she excels in. One of our biggest flaws is the way we put people down. We allow someone's outward appearance to control our thoughts of someone.

 

So you've read the post and know I want you to go back and look at the pictures and tell me the first thing to comes to your mind when you look at the people in the pictures. I suspect your impressions will be different. Now remember you have to base this on only their outward appearance. So leave your impressions in the comments and I'll talk to you later!

 

 

 

The Week So Far;

World of Warcraft is taking up way too much time. I have actually cut back playing so I can spend time on the important stuff like my typing. I don't have very many readers of my blog or my stories. I want to dedicate more time to creating new posts for the blog and better story ideas. I promise you that will be more stuff coming soon.

 

Sunday, I stayed home from church. I go through periods where my teeth hurt me and this causes migraines. Stress also sometimes causes me to get headaches. Migraines tend to knock me way down. Part of it might be my sub-conscious creating these headaches so that I don't go to church. Is that even possible? I also was having some slight ear aches added to the mix. I am really feeling torn right now. On one hand, I love my calling at church and I love some of the people there. I find it hard to love someone that I don't know, and being a little shy I have a hard time approaching people. Think I talked about that in my last post. I don't it might just be me but I don't always feel that I would missed if I stopped going. Sure there are people who would miss me, but my reason for going is for me and for the people that I serve via my calling. At any rate, life is what it is.

 

Nothing really happened on Monday, but Tuesday was an interesting day. At work, we did a field trip to local apple orchard. Sorry no pics! I don't' want to chance breaking confidentiality. They not only raise apples but they also raise pumpkins. Our kids didn't get any apples, but they get their own pumpkin. For the youth group at church (8-10) year olds, we did a trip to Cabella's. Honestly even I was impressed. We got to see them feed their fish in this massive tank. Which was cool because at one point you could hear the fish snapping up the dead minnows. But between work and my church duties, I went shopping with my niece and the cutest baby in the world, my great nephew. I bought an Xbox 360 and 4 games for it.

 

Wednesday was a crazy day at work. I knew the night before that the teacher wasn't going to be there. What I didn't know is that the other aide was also going to be absent. Oh...and then our part time aide who comes in during the afternoon also did not make it in to work. Now it is one thing for the teacher not to be as long as the other aides are there. Its one thing for the one of the other aides to be absent as long as the teacher is there. It is never ever going to be okay for both of them to be honest at the same time. Honestly, I came home and took an aspirin.

Thursday was just as bad!

One phase describes today. "T.G.I.F." I mean every last word of it. A lot of went on I can't discuss here but trust me it was a VERY rough week.

Some Thoughts About Guys

In the event that you haven't noticed there are some really cute guys out there. They weird me out a little. It could be my natural shyness but unless they are digitized, I can't look them in the eyes. Maybe it's a fear of being bashed, but I can't approach them. I definitely can't talk to them. It's weird but there is a huge difference around guys who average or around guys who are good friends (well sort of). Some of it has to do with my crazy fear of being discovered. You could look at this two ways. There is that fear just below my skin that they'll find out about me and spread rumors or become hostile. Now, I have three different examples of how I've dealt with cute guys in my life.

 

I've already said that I have a hard time around guys that I think are cute. Well, here are several examples of exactly what I'm talking about. The first guy is from my past. He was in the area when we were in junior high and high school. This guy caused a huge crush to develop in my heart. I was shy to a certain extent and when it came to him I was overly apologetic. Weird huh? The other guy is at church. He is also super handsome. Problem though, he is married even if he wasn't married and for the sake of this argument let's just keep him straight, he would still be off limits. He acts like I don't exist. Again, my shyness plays a major role in this. He seems to know that I'm gay, and he acts repulsed. Which is fine, it's sort of what I expect from people at church. The other is my neighbor who has the spiders. I have or have had a difficult time even going up to the house. Weird spin on this one but I post a little later about it. Guys can be weird you know that?

 

I don't' get guys sometimes. Are we all hard wired for sex? Some guys seem to thrive on it both in getting it and in thinking about it. It seems to be on their mind 24/7. They are constantly on the prowl. Some guys can be pretty vocal about who they like and what they like. Granted, I can fall in that category at times as well. I just hate listening to a straight guy go about their girlfriends or what they would like to do with some passing lady. It bugs me a little bit. I think it's because, I'm not getting anything that is neither here nor there. Just trying to make sense of bits of it.

Four Day Off; YEAH

Long time no talk guys and gals! So what's been going on with all of you?

 

Work is still going crazy. It's been going really fast lately guys. The time between paychecks seems to be coming closer and closer. I guess that is what happens when you get older, right? Is there something else going on? Oh this week, I got accused of not doing enough at work. As if, these feet walk at least a mile or two every day at work. I was pissed off to say the least. So much of what is happening at work, I can't relate to you guys. It's times like this when I really need to have someone who I can talk too and now that I'm safe.

 

Okay so now, let's talk about my health. I went to doctor on Tuesday. H1N1 might have been in the air. Can you say happy times? My sugars were still around 5.6 based on the A**** test. I forget what it's called. Yes, it is within normal range. Pretty good huh? Doctor and me discussed my eating habits. He's worried that due to the way we eat at the house, that I'm causing my sugars to drop to low and then spike high. His fear is that I'm going to damage my organs. It's also my fear. Tomorrow, I have to go in for a blood test. The entire spectrum. I hate blood tests. Actually, I'm getting kind of use to them. This is another example of where it would be awesome to have someone by my side. You know what bothers me more than anything else, it's the infernal wait and anticipation of the needle and the blood leaving my body. My brother, the one that got hit by the drunk, has therapy or a doctor's appointment at the hospital.