Shadow Void

Sister In Law

My sister in law has been with my brother for almost 25 years, and together they have been a blessing in my life. My brother's family includes 1 daughter and 3 sons. They have two granddaughters and four grandsons. They also live close enough that I can see my great nieces and great nephews whenever they are over at their grandparent's house, but you are not here for all of that. The following is why I started this post. I've been reminded of the importance of simply asking for help when I need it. Since I don't drive, I've learned to sometimes do without in my life. I mentioned that I needed a new belt and she said, "Why didn't you ask for a ride?" I'm a bit shy, I'm also a bit proud, and not one to ask and perhaps that is a huge weakness of mine. Am I here to give others a chance to serve me or am I fool for simply not asking? I had to cancel meeting a new person because I could not find a ride. Did I ask for a ride from my sister in law? I found way too late, that she would have gone with me. Her exact words to me were "Why didn't you ask us?" I really did not have an answer for her, so rather I'm comfortable with it or not, I am going to have to come out and just ask them next time. I do not like being in the position where I'm dependent on other people but I am going to reach out and ask.

BIG NEWS; a new life

My niece gave birth to a beautiful little girl. I love her already.

Werid

Mom didn't call my phone to wake me up ( Yes she actually does that ) and she didn't come up to see if I was going to church or not. Hmm…I wonder what happened. I'm so use to it that it seems weird not to have it happen.

Sister-In-Law

My sister in law said something to me last week that really made my day. When I get lucky to meet the man of my dreams, and I will meet him at some point, I won't have to hide him from my family. She said that she expects him to be with me at family events. I am not sure how the rest of the family will take it but at this point, I don't give a rats ass. My nephews, my niece, and in time my great nephews will all want to see him. Just something, I wanted to share. Maybe I've already shared this tidbit but I wanted to share. My only concern is how the rest of the family will react to him being there.

A Happy Home

It seems my happy home has been up for discussion here and there. Guess, it's fair that I bring it up myself. I've mentioned this before that and I suppose, it only makes sense that I should help you all out. I've been doing some reading and it would seem that sometimes our perception before coming out is that our parents would hate us or even disown us if we came out. I can assure that when I say that my parents would kick me to the side, that I mean what I say. I had a cousin who moved to California. He died of during the AIDS epidemic. I don't even know his name. All I know is that according to my mom he lived a deviant lifestyle. I can only assume that she means he was gay. I've gotten that very distinct impression many times. He's not even discussed. My own flesh and blood and they've don't even talk about him. I'd love to know him to even stand at his grave, but I don't even know where to begin looking. But this isn't about him, it's about the situation here. My home was always a religious home. Though my older brother walked away from the church at the age of 18, my parents are still active in the church. I think I'm the most active out of my siblings. When it comes to my what my older brother thinks in all of this because, Mike, ( not his real name ), his wife, and all their kids know that I'm gay, even he has said not to mention anything to my parents. I'm also not sure how cool my brother and his wife are with me being gay. They are okay with it, but I still try to keep some stuff in from even them. Course in the end, they will have to know, because as I've said before, I do not intend to die alone. He knows just as I do that they won't tolerate me being in their house. My parents are still wondering when I'll bring home a pretty woman. In my mind, I'm wondering when I'll bring home a hunky guy, though I would never insult him by bringing him to the house to meet them. I'm sure it would not be pleasant. In case you're wondering, why I haven't told other members of my family. It's because my sister has said at least once that gays are nothing but child molesters, a classic myth in my book. As far as living with bigots, Don't think for one minute that I'm not keenly aware of my situation. I know that I have to take advantage of the time, that I spend away from the house. I take advantage of the time that no one is home to chat, to watch shows like Dante's Cove or read gay fiction on my Kindle app for the computer. As for my age, well let's just say that I am over the age of 20.

Last Post Thoughts

Yesterday, I was not doing so hot and I'm still not. I don't like sharing the hardships that life throws at me. At the same time, I think an honest blog should share both the good times and the bad times that the blogger experiences. With that in mind, I want to get into this post. While writing up blogs that share the hardships, sometimes they can be a bit tricky to write, because there have been times when I've literally had to hold back tears and I've been in writing in fear of shorting out the computer. Luckily, that was not the case this last time. I love all the replies that I got and it meant a lot to know that people left their comments. Two of comments that I got that day really made a lot of sense to me. One suggestion was to put an ad up on Craigslist simply to find an activity partner. The other suggestion was put the negative energy into energy used to create art; my writing. In other words, I need to take the darkness and convert it to light. Take whatever darkness is in me and use to give life to my writing.

I use to write in my journal every day and I have to admit that I've not been very faithful at writing in the last few months. Maybe it will help me keep track of where my life is going and maybe where it is going.

I get to work on my vampire story this week after nearly three months off. I gave someone a sneak peak at it and so far they like it. She even said that she would buy it if it ever got published. We will have to see what happens.

Went over to my brother's house yesterday and spent a little bit of time there. The big surprise was that when I got there the newest great nephew, his daddy and mommy were there. He is now around 5 months. His mom was playing peek a boo with him and then she left the room. He smiled big time at me, and it wasn't one of those random smiles that babies give at first. This smile was honest and warm. But what was really amazing was that he seemed to be playing peek a boo with me. I needed that on Saturday.

I wonder…Kids?

Sometimes when watch something on television or read something in a book, it will start me thinking about whatever might catch my eye. I watched one today and it really got me thinking. I know kids or the idea of kids is not always popular among the gay community or at least with some in the gay community. A part of me has always wanted kids. I don't see it happening. I'm sure if I ended up with kids and a partner that my kids would not have a grandparents on my side of the family. Maybe it's hard-wired into me because of my background or something deeper than that. I love being around my nephews and my great nephews. Still, I prefer to select when and where they're around. I love work but I also like being at home on my own time. I like having my space and I dislike having that space or that time intruded upon. You don't have to reply to this, this is more venting than anything else.

I’m Sorry

I apologize for not posting yesterday. I was at my brother's house watching the meteor shower. I was out till after midnight laying down on their driveway looking up into the heavens. There were several very cool meteors that broke through the atmosphere and burned up. I heard at that point they are called fireballs. After the meteorite burned up, we could see a very visible trail. It was just cool hanging out with my brother's family last night. I tend to hang out there because, I feel more at ease over there than at my own house.

Needing to vent

If a certain organization where picketing the funerals of soldiers because they disagreed with the war, I think my parents would still be outraged over it, but and since they're picketing gays the only thing that my mom sees wrong about is the fact that their picketing at funerals. Well, I say this because there is a promising bill going through Congress may put a stop to their disgraceful practice of picketing these solemn events. It was important enough to me that I started a discussion about it here at my house this morning. My dad who served stateside was very much in favor of this bill. My mom on the other hand quickly turned it the other direction. It's like she felt motivated to turn it. She said that she doesn't agree with their actions but she agrees with why they're doing the protests. Once again, I felt like a knife had been stabbed into me. Once again, I felt as if she knows that I'm gay and is slowly pushing that dagger in deeper and deeper. It really made me sick, so I left the room and came upstairs and went to work on one of my stories. I love her don't get me wrong, but it makes me more and more cynical towards them, which isn't right but it's my nature. If she were a friend, I would have dropped right after that comment left her mouth, and yet because she is my mother, my mom, I can't do that.

Another Nephew Chat

If you've been around my blog(s) for a while you know that there are times my nephews drive me cuckoo. I love my nephews dearly and would want to hurt anyone who hurt them. One day last week, I was talking to my nephew and his girlfriend about someone suggesting that I go back to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to see the cute guy again. Anyway, my nephew said that he was way out of my league, and I partially agree with him. Still, a part of me says the hell with that, so I went on to say that I could get anyone that I wanted. My nephew said no way to which his girlfriend said, that she could see some hot 18 to 19 year old falling for me. She makes me feel so good inside. I just had to share the latest insanity.